Friday, May 1, 2009

A Dog's Breakfast

Marilyn: Voilà!
Patrick: You can’t feed him that.
Marilyn: Why not? The raw-food diet’s supposed to be good for them. Apparently, it will give him a shiny coat, and his poo won’t smell.
Patrick: You’re feeding Ryan to Mars.
Marilyn: No, not all at once. I don’t want him to get sick.
Patrick: What about me?
Marilyn: We could scatter him around the garden, I guess, but there’s always a chance that they’ll find him. Well, some of him.
Patrick (taking the dog dish from Marilyn): It just seems wrong.
Marilyn: That’s because it is wrong.

Cereal divided by colors for Patrick. Dogfood for Mars. Steak on a bruised forehead for Ryan. Plain noodles and vegetarian omelet for Kate. Pancakes, bacon, sausage, and orange slices for Ryan and Patrick. Spaghetti with tomato sauce for Marilyn and Chris. Hot chocolate with marshmallows for Patrick. And a fake corpse, supposedly ground up and fed to the dogs.

Patrick: You’re feeding him to the neighbors’ dogs.
Marilyn: Well, Mars can’t eat him all.
Patrick: Why not?
Marilyn: There’s quite a bit. He didn’t look like that big of a guy, but we have made quite a meal out of him.

Patrick: He made great breakfasts.
Marilyn: Well, now he can make great lunches and dinners as well.

Patrick: To be honest, I’m finding your whole response to murder thing a little peculiar.
Marilyn: Oh, I’m sorry. Is there some sort of standard response? How am I supposed to respond?
Patrick: Oh, I don’t know, maybe not quite so eager to turn your soulmate into kibbles and bits. These are not the actions of a vegetarian. Whatever happened to ovo-lacto-pesto, huh?
Marilyn: Bless you.

Patrick (trying to brush Mars’s teeth): That’s it, that’s it, just a little bit more. C’mon, it’s easy, just… (brushes his own teeth with Mars’ toothbrush).
Patrick (as Mars walks away): Fine, suit yourself, dog breath. (continues brushing teeth, then--) What have you been eating?

Released 2006
Written and directed by David Hewlett
Starring David Hewlett as Patrick, Kate Hewlett as Marilyn, Paul McGillion as Ryan, and Mars the Dog as Mars

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